Hey, Assalamualaikum everyone.
It has been a long time since my last post. I hope everyone are in a good condition during this pandemic. It took me a lot of time to start writing back, but tonight something just came across my mind. I need to start writing, perhaps writing can help me slowly letting go what I should actually before.
One year passed. I found it an amazing journey of healing without involving a new person in my life. There's so many things happens until I can't recall it personally one by one. But first and foremost, there's so much blessing I need to count through this journey. Heartbreak? Who knows we are going to go through this someday. Losing our loved one. I still can't believe that this heartbreak changed me a lot. Looking at how this heartbreak impacted my life, it's totally never came across to my mind before. Obviously, I became so sensitive even when writing this. I currently played Spotify instrumental playlist, in my dark room which only you can see light from the laptop screen and tears in my eyes.
The first month of breakup has been worst for me. I cried every single night, those anxious feelings when going out, those bad dreams that keep appears. To have a really strong support system (family and friends) really help me to be here, today. The first six month I still questioning my worth, questioning how can this happen to me. Those not good enough feelings keep coming and I can't even stay focused. But I took an alternative way, going out with family and friends (pretending like I am okay with every single things) and it actually helps me a lot to distract myself from thinking about my worth. Day by day, it became normal when I always crying (anywhere) when look up on my phone. I keep receiving support message from loved ones out of nowhere and I started to feel that yes, Allah will never left you alone. You just need to seek for His guidance, always.
Receiving and looking at picture of him being happy was actually a release for me. It's actually so much pain to describe by looking at it but no, I should be happy for it. He deserves it. In those one year, I do received a message of asking for helps, and not just that -- the apologize message. I can said it an apologize letter for me? Said sorry for those things that has been happened which hurt me the most and there's nothing he can do to turn back time. The part of I being asked, is that I want to give it one more 'try' to fix the relationship someday? Being asked the question by the one you loved sincerely, it's hurt. It took me a few minutes to think and replied. Knowing that I would not ruin someone relationship for the sake of my own happiness, I said no. There's no turning back and I can't live with the same person who hurt me before.
I don't know who's reading this, but there's one thing I want to remind. If you are leaving someone, please don't come back just to hurt them all over again. Asking to fix things when you are in another relationship -- it's crazy. Starts from that day, I keep asking myself all over again. Did he still have feelings for me? Did he still love me? But one thing I know about myself, I'm not an easy person to change my decisions when it comes to life.
There's one day, a man came across to my Whatsapp. It just so quick, he tells his intention (good one) and I just feeling numb don't know how to respond and handle all the traumas at one time. Asking myself, is he a good man? Is he being serious about what he has been said? Can it be this quick? It almost 7 months of healing process at that time. We keep contacting each other but I always said to myself that, if he's a good man then you will see it one day. If he's a good one, then Allah will ease it for you. If he's a good one, he will show it. But I don't know if my way was too harsh for him -- and I still don't know if he even meant it.
Months passed, I starting to know how to handle those traumas. Things are getting easier, yes easier to handle. I let myself thinking and crying before going to bed so that I didn't have to feel the same feelings next day. I tried to avoid any topic about him, or even photos of him on social media. Deleting it all from my storage are the hardest thing to do, but yes the right thing to do. Focusing on my study and business, keep it within myself that I need to be a better person for myself every single day. Until the day I know he getting engaged -- all of those efforts are actually useless suddenly. I cried myself in front of my family. Asking for a breath, it feels like everything are full with pain. It's not even one year yet -- but I believe that Allah S.W.T has better plan for us. Realizing that I'm not being extremely sad for his happiness, but it would be better if the truth has been revealed at day one so that I will not asking why, what, and when. Now, I believe that to left someone you just need to create reasons to left them and then keep them hanging with no answers from you. Telling them they are not good enough for you, you want to focus on yourself, you want to live by your own, and you didn't have money to get married. I guess that's the worst part of my journey. Believing the person who actually trying to kill me silently.
Despite of everything that happens, at this time I must be ready for his wedding. Preparing myself to be sane on that day. I wish I will not lost myself, again. And at this point of life, I really blessed for whatever Allah has planned for me, for every people that He sent for me. There's so much things that open my eyes. And I hope I will keep being a better servant for Him, each day.
Lastly, someday I know that surely Allah will sent the right one for me at the right time. The one who will make me forgot about this traumas and pain, the one who make me believe in love all over again and the one who truly want to be a better servant for Him with me. Insya-Allah.
Alhamdulillah for this completed one year journey, I want to see the better version of you.
